In my 50’s

I look at myself sometimes and think ‘oh, I don’t look that fat. But whichever way it goes, I feel sluggish, overweight and flabby. AND mostly when I look in the mirror I see a round person!

Here's to a slimmer summer

Here’s to a slimmer summer

I know I am eating healthier at the moment which is good. I am eating more fruit and vegetables. I just need to get doing some exercise. My self image is pretty crap. That and no one is allowed to say the ‘F’ word (ok fifty as am that age now). Don’t want to be frumpy dumpy in my 50’s, had enough of that in my 40’s.

Am aiming to do some walking on the 11 days that I am off. Yes I am.

20131124-021241-pm.jpg

 

Don’t know how I managed it

Don’t know how I manage to have such good intentions yet proceed to ignore all of them. Had coffee out in morning, also a buttery bacon bagel. Such a lovely day out, cold but sunny.
Went home and slept till tea time.
Went shopping to Asda, crusty bread, donuts. Slouched on couch, then went to bed just after midnight and ate half a ham baguette in bed with a cup of tea. Crumbs everywhere.
And………..I’m back in work tomorrow. Well at least I’ll be moving about on my feet.
I could kid myself I’m not overweight when looking at my latest Facebook profile photo taken this morning. Carefully angled to minimise double chins! My face isn’t FAT but my body is unfortunately.

image

Here’s one taken just now

image

Can’t see my tummy on this one though (my biggest part). I wobble.

Studio shoot

Well. Bought in all 6 dresses for the photo shoot. 5 of them were from EBay. 4 of them did not quite fit……..
I chose a knee length black sparky one and a deep fuchsia one. Bought some sparkly jewellery from Primark. Washed my hair in the afternoon, this was yesterday.
Neil ran me to Walton, Liverpool. Bit of a dumpy area.
Eventually we found the small photo studio. Neil went to find somewhere to park n sit in the car.
Sat on a couch looking out at the traffic, they offered me a cup of coffee. Waited and waited then a girl said to follow here to a small room, 2 mirrors, radio on. She did my make-up ( 10 mins tops), whilst checking on her phone.
Waited about half he on couch in small corridor. Photographer showed me to small changing room. Git changed.
Went to small space next to changing room, rolls of paper to stand on. Several photos in various poses. Snap snap snap all done. Got changed into 2nd dress, didn’t bother with shoes. Snap snap snap, silly naff hat, scraggly feather boa. Same poses, done.
Got changed, waited on corridor couch, Neil came in. Waited ages. Went to viewing room, small room with widescreen tv and a couch. Bored member of staff showing each photo. I’ve gotta say some of them were ghastly. I know I’m FAT but on them I looked like the side of a house..
I had to bite my tongue to stop me saying “oh f@$&”
Felt bit embarrassed really that Neil viewed them.
Managed to find 3 that were sort of ok. Girl said we get to choose 1 and get two print-outs of it. She said any other pic would be £50. Ahhh no thank you.
Here is the photo

image

It wasn’t a bad experience, just, well not quite what I expected. Difficult though because I didn’t know what to expect.
Must thank Kate who bought me the voucher for my birthday.
Pic of me I took when I got home

image

Close-up of studio photo

image

Maybe when I’m slimmer it would be nice to get a proper photo done, not in that studio though!!!!!

Been v crap and diet and gained few lbs. DID have a lovely bottle of wine last night though oh yeah and a burger!!!!!
Downloaded onto my Kindle
Behave Like A Pancreas. Meant to be very good at helping type 1’s. Need to eat healthier.
Made healthy chicken dinner today. See, I can cook!

Wednesday’s blog, 13th Nov

Spent Saturday in Manchester with J. DID a lot of walking but ate rubbish. Food court food, not healthy.
Still pretty much managing to avoid chocolate. Though have been craving drinks of hot chocolate!!!!!
Exercise? No not really. Once again I’ll aim to walk to work tomorrow if I can get up on time.
Got my birthday pressy studio photo shoot on Saturday.
( 2 1/2 hrs in photo studio, 3 outfit changes, glass of bubbly, hair and make-up done.)
Only got 2 outfits. Wish I was skinnier for the shoot. Feeling FAT is not nice. You get 2 six by four sized photos free and of course they want you to buy more. Pity I can’t afford any. Kinda looking forward to it, but dreading it too.
Although I take a lot of photos of myself I absolutely hate having my photo taken.
Made a yummy shepherds pie for us all tonight, though R did not want any. Trying to get us all as a family to eat healthier is not easy. We all seem to eat at different times too.
Got my diabetic check up at the hospital on Friday morning. Wonder how that will go? I know my Hba1c is too high.

image

Pre-Halloween nibbles

Had a lovely half day, finished work at 12:30pm and went to West Kirby with Neil. Popped in our fave cafe (Lattitude), where I had
Bacon, cream cheese and chilli jam sandwich
Chips and salad
Skinny latte

Was very tasty. Whizzed round shops, went home then straight to St Caths hospital with R and J for R’ s first weight management session. These are weekly, one to one sessions for her. After J had his weight management session his is a group one (2hrs long), R and I waited in the car. J stayed same this week his 2nd week.

Then J dropped me off at a friend’s where I met up with 4 others, we had a coffee evening with a few nibbles.
Here we are at our night before Halloween coffee evening. I am the nun!!

image

Tried on 2 dresses last night that I look so FAT in, horrid

image

Yuck

image

Very yuck, these were taken last night.

Tired of ‘dieting’

It’s sunny but a little cold out.

image

I know all there is (pretty much) about a healthy diet.
Three healthy meals a day
Calorie counting
Low carb/high protein/low fat
Counting syns (slimming world)
Counting points (Weight Watchers)
5:2 Diet
Slim Fast/Herbalife
Low GI
And all the rest if it. Ready plenty of books, been to plenty of slimming classes.
Joined a gym twice.
Did line dancing for 7 years
So I don’t really need lessons on what to eat.
What I struggle with is controlling my eating. That’s what I need help with. None of the classes I’ve ever been to ever really focus on why we eat like we do.
I know bad eating habits/patterns are easy to get into, therefore changing your habits/eating patterns to healthier ones should be fairly easy especially when you have all the information you need.
But it isn’t that easy, if it was I wouldn’t have been moaning about losing this 30  lbs for the last 10 years.
Trouble is all the so called ‘dieting’ I have done over the years has just made me tired of the whole thing..
I don’t want to have to try to lose weight, I don’t want to watch what I eat all the time. I don’t want to think about food at all. I don’t want to be constantly thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be doing. It takes over too much of my life. It’s all I think about.
I wish I was happy with how I looked but I’m not. I wish I could think about other stuff rather than my weight.
Not easy to do when I’m looking down at how huge my stomach is!!!

image

Arghghghghghvhvhvhvvvcd

Friday Feeling

Looooong day in work. Not been terribly good on diet plan. Bored with it already. Well, not bored, just can’t be bothered with a bit of boredom.

image

Exercise? Nope. But tomorrow I will walk to Heswall and back. Got a colour for my hair, it is now blonder but may be slightly ginger in the daylight! (We shall see in the morning).

image

Felt like crying today cos caught sight of myself in a window, OMG I am sooooooo FAT, it’s horrid. I really can’t bear to look at the ‘whole’ of me. How unattractive is my weight, very. You can’t really tell from head photos but see me full length, a different t story. It’s getting me down so much.
I have this desperation to lose like 40 lbs. I can’t bear being the weight I am. All day every day I think about how FAT I am.

image

Anniversary and chocolate cake!

Hmmmm the chocolate cake was lovely. Got it for R’ s birthday and mine n Neil’s anniversary (23 years).

image

Neil’s not feeling too good though, very tired and in pain from his hand operation. Painkillers help some.
Bit of a lazy Sunday. Had visitors at teatime, Neil’s brother Colin  and his 2 lads, Chris and Danny.
Grrrrrr feeling v FAT today, hate looking in the mirror. Don’t mind face photos, but body shots…….NO.

image

Can I be bothered or do I have the energy, inclination to go on the treadmill tonight? Maybe. Maybe not!!!!
7pm…… hmmmm what’s on telly?

Too fat

had a photo tsken earlier. Sooooooo ashamed at how fat I looked on it. I gotta stop eating.
Was going to go far a walk round WK marine lake earlier but it has poured down all day.
Tomorrow am going to walk round it twice since I ate a bag of chips tonight, Jaki’s fault!
Went to Heswall in morning and then walked to Michelles, had few hours nattering with cuppas.
Went to Jaki’s in evening with The Coven (me, Jaki, Sarah, Colette), Michelle is also a member!!!

20130906-100151 PM.jpg

Still on the soups! ?

image

Ahhh the relief when the painkillers kick-in. Seeing dentist tomorrow.
Been doing salt water mouth rinsed which is yucky for me as I can’t stand salt. I never ever use it in cooking, never have.
Had chicken roll for lunch, soft roll. Soggy cornflakes for tea and a ham sandwich in evening, not exactly a balanced diet.
Got a sparkly dress from eBay, felt quite lovely in it. The photo’s though………….oh my goodness, how to look short round FAT and flabby in one go.
Years ago, ok a decade ago. I was at my heaviest of 12 stone. Felt enormous. Felt awful.
I am only 11 lbs below my heaviest ever weight now. Weirdly I don’t feel as big as back then but I certainly look it.
It wasn’t until I got nearer 10 st that I started to feel better.

image

image

I am determined to get healthier, fitter and slimmer again.

image

As in the 3 photos above, all taken round 2003/4.