Long time

Lots been going on including some weight.
10 lbs loss so far.
Had a ‘binge’ few days, using the excuse of stress, anxiety. Must stop doing this. Hubby (Neil) was in terrible pain the night before last, extreme pain in the solar plexus area, couldn’t’t sleep, his liquid morphine did not touch the pain. In the morning it was still the same. He was downstairs, all cold and clammy in pain. I rang 999 and an ambulance came quite quickly, plus paramedics car, so 3 ambulance persons. The took him to local hospital. J (son 23) and I took R (daughter 16) to her granddad. Then we went to hospital. Neil had lots of bloods taken, ECG. J and I went home while they carried on tests, he was admitted to cardio ward.
He came home today. They suspect gastric problem, so he’s now waiting for appointment for a  gastroscooy, to check for stomach ulcer or oesophagal problem. Am very relieved it’s not his heart (as he has angina).
Very difficult to stay calm, anxiety/stress free. I so want stuff to change in our lives, to get better. More money would help, a change of job, a new house, weight loss, you know, that sort of stuff. Feels like we’re in a grey pit. I know, I know some people are worse off, sicker, have less etc, but I’m sick of trying to hold it altogether, trying to make things better going from one crisis to another. Sick sick sick of it.
Moan over.
J and I are booked into a hotel nr Menai on Monday night. Can’t bloody afford it really. Would love to go with Neil but is not fair for j to look after r for too long, too angsty for him. Can’t afford for us all to go away plus is v difficult to get R out of the house.
R has started counselling which is good, going to be a long long road. I am waiting for my first CBT appointment, J is waiting for his therapy appointment and Neil sees our GP for counselling every other week. Honestly, what are we like.
Lucky to have all this help, but sad that we need it.